It’s been a while. I just rearranged my desk and am trying out a new typing position. I sucks.
I’m still forty. Still feel very old every morning. Gonna try to concentrate on physical fitness now.
Except I’m having a hard time concentrating on anything these days. My mind is a wasteland. I spent five hours in front of the TV yesterday. Maybe six. I just couldn’t bear thinking about anything.
Ordinarily I’d have been quite drunk as well. But I wasn’t. I’m not entirely sure why. I’m not sure why I do or don’t do anything anymore.
Thought about killing myself a couple days ago. I left the house with no particular destination in mind. And I drove. I ended up in the woods, on a forest road, smoking cigarettes. I don’t smoke. But I did. And I do sometimes.
A lot of good it did though. I ended up getting myself sick. I returned from a morning of self-loathing and destruction to the “real world”, with a running nose and a pounding head. Chicken shit really. I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to stop.