It’s been a while. I just rearranged my desk and am trying out a new typing position. I sucks.
I’m still forty. Still feel very old every morning. Gonna try to concentrate on physical fitness now.
Except I’m having a hard time concentrating on anything these days. My mind is a wasteland. I spent five hours in front of the TV yesterday. Maybe six. I just couldn’t bear thinking about anything.
Ordinarily I’d have been quite drunk as well. But I wasn’t. I’m not entirely sure why. I’m not sure why I do or don’t do anything anymore.
Thought about killing myself a couple days ago. I left the house with no particular destination in mind. And I drove. I ended up in the woods, on a forest road, smoking cigarettes. I don’t smoke. But I did. And I do sometimes.
A lot of good it did though. I ended up getting myself sick. I returned from a morning of self-loathing and destruction to the “real world”, with a running nose and a pounding head. Chicken shit really. I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to stop.
Hey Andy! Is this real? Or fiction ? If real it sounds like you are in a major funk. Surprises me just cause from down here in ca your life looks really good aside from the tragedy you had to face last year.
Crap. I forgot the auto posting was turned on.
I’m in a bad place. Been fighting real hard, non-stop for longer than I can remember. Just can’t seem to get a breakthrough.
I’m gonna turn off the SNAP plugin now…
Dont turn it off. Just the venting and getting the feelings out there can be a release and very helpful. It seems it posted for a reason and you need those you care for and love you too. They will remind you how blessed you truly are. These trials will make you stronger.
Brother man, I love you so much I am taking the time to type this again.
Next time, drive our way. Send a “call me” text.
Companionship isn’t a cure, but it’s a comfort.
No explanations needed. Love you.
A book I read recently that rocked my world and kept me busy thinking about other things: