It’s been a while.  I just rearranged my desk and am trying out a new typing position. I sucks.

I’m still forty. Still feel very old every morning.  Gonna try to concentrate on physical fitness now.

Except I’m having a hard time concentrating on anything these days.  My mind is a wasteland.  I spent five hours in front of the TV yesterday. Maybe six.  I just couldn’t bear thinking about anything.

Ordinarily I’d have been quite drunk as well.  But I wasn’t.  I’m not entirely sure why.  I’m not sure why I do or don’t do anything anymore.

Thought about killing myself a couple days ago.  I left the house with no particular destination in mind.  And I drove.  I ended up in the woods, on a forest road, smoking cigarettes.  I don’t smoke.  But I did.  And I do sometimes.

A lot of good it did though.  I ended up getting myself sick.  I returned from a morning of self-loathing and destruction to the “real world”, with a running nose and a pounding head.  Chicken shit really.  I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to stop.